10 Reasons Why I Want to Break Up With Myself
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and said to yourself, “Self, although I love you very much, I don’t think I can stand to be with you every day. You see, you tend to do things that annoy me and I’m not sure I can live with that anymore. I think we need to break up”?
I’m not going to lie. I think this is a conversation that I have with myself on a quasi-daily basis. There are things that I do that just annoy myself and I really need to stop, otherwise this relationship that I have with myself is over. Since it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in (or probably ever will be in), I think I should work on these 10 things:
1 ) I have road rage
I’m not talking about getting just a bit irritated at other drivers and muttering something to myself when they cut me off. I’m talking about the kind of rage that simply forces me to lay on the horn for a good 1 minute and 39 seconds straight while I follow that person. It’s not that I’m upset; it’s that I need them to know that I’m upset.
And they need to know it for 1 minute and 39 seconds.
This behaviour is especially ridiculous for someone like me because literally nothing else upsets me in life. Seriously. Nothing. Why is it that when I get into my car, I turn into a completely different person?? I blame it on Toronto traffic. That garbage can make anyone* lose their mind.
*And by “anyone”, I mean just me.
2 ) I sing too often
“Oh, that’s not a bad thing, PCC!”, you may say. Well, I’m pretty sure you won’t be saying the same thing if you go on a 17 hour road trip with me. I will sing every word of every song. And then I practice doing the harmonies. And my drumming abilities on the dashboard.
This is very annoying. Trust me. My brother has told me so several times. He’ll even bring it up in casual conversation just to remind me.
3 ) I don’t think Apple is very cool
I am the furthest possible thing from an Apple Evangelist. In fact, my phone was stolen last week and I made a point not to get an iPhone. Why? Because everyone else has one. I scoff at that. So, I got a phone that most people wouldn’t get (thank you, Nexus) and I’m all smug about it. I’m a phone snob now…which is what bothers me about Apple enthusiasts. I’m a bit of a hypocrite, no?
Basically, it comes down to the fact that I don’t want my phone to look sexier than I do (which isn’t difficult, I might add. Even those huge Zack Morris phones from the early 90′s are sexier than I am).
4 ) I wear loud boots
I know this may not sound like such a big deal, but if you worked in my office or attended my college, it would be a huge deal. My boots have buckles on them (about 6 too many) and the metal from the buckles clinks when I walk. My boss likes to tell me that it sounds as though I’m in a western film and I’m walking around town with spurs on my boots.
It’s very annoying. The fact that I keep wearing these boots is enough to make me want to break up with myself, knowing how much these boots annoy me. It’s like I’m just trying to prove to myself that I can’t control myself and I’ll do whatever I want to do. Stupid boots.
5 ) I’m not a technologically savvy person
I mean, seriously. Who wants to be with someone like that?
6 ) I forget to water the plants far too often
Imagine spending lots of money on fancy plants and then having someone (who is supposed to be in charge of plant care) forget to water them. For several days. Probably more like weeks.
Dead plants aren’t pretty. Why not just water them? Well, because I forget. All the time. And then I assume that, after 3 weeks without water, the plants should be doused in water. I don’t stop until the soil is literally floating in the flowerpot. I mean, who drowns plants??
Answer: I do.
7 ) I use entirely too much hand sanitizer
Who wants to be with someone who smells like rubbing alcohol? And then wipes it on her keyboard and mouse on a weekly basis? Even though no one else uses her computer but herself?
8 ) I’m clumsy
Clumsy people are not cool. They run into walls, desks, tables, and fall down stairs on a regular basis. You constantly have to be worried about them and you must prepare for the inevitable worst to happen at any given moment. It’s exhausting.
9 ) What’s with my laugh?
Sometimes, I laugh way too loudly and, occasionally, it is very high-pitched. I’m not sure I can handle that anymore. Something’s got to change.
10 ) I’m breaking up with myself via my blog
Who does that?? If breaking up with someone via texting is bad, this is so much worse! I’m airing all of my dirty laundry about myself in a public forum. So annoying. And, unforgivable.
So, Self, we’ve had a good run, but you just annoy me way too much for this relationship to actually work out. I just can’t take this stuff anymore. If you think you want to fix some of these issues, perhaps we’ll have a chance to recover from the horribleness that is you, but if not, I’m afraid it’ll be over.
If that’s the case, do you have any friends you can set me up with?
What traits about yourself annoy you the most?
Do you think that Apple is really as amazing as they think they are?
Do you think I should give myself a second chance to work things out?
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Tags: breaking up, friends, humor, relationships, road rage, road trip, Technology, toronto traffic, william hung, Zack Morris