What An Osombie Actor’s Resume Might Look Like…It’s Just as Appalling as the Film

09Feb12

Have you ever seen someone do something rather embarrassing/horrifying/utterly ridiculous and say to yourself, “Seriously, guy? Did you just do that? Are you a real human being? Because I can’t believe a human being would do something as lame as that….P.S. You’re so lame”.

I’m not going to lie, people…I’ve thought that once or twice (more often than not, it’s in reference to myself). Yesterday, however, someone else took the cake. I was listening to the radio in my car on my way to work when I first heard about this impending disaster of a movie.

I have never, in my entire existence, seen something like what I’m about to show you. Honestly, I can’t….I don’t even…what can I….here. Just watch this. Discussion will follow:

So? Have I just ruined your day/life by showing you that? If so, you must know how the actors now feel.

After watching that for the first time (trust me…I’ve watched it many times now), I feel like reaching out, hugging the actors, taking them away from the horribleness that is Osombie and then punching them in the shoulder blade while telling them to get themselves educated, and to go get a real job (like doing commercials for Yoplait or teaching Tai Chi…something worthwhile like that).

Then I started thinking…if you did a movie like that, would you even put it on your resume? How could you possibly make it sound like what you learnt is relevant to the corporate world?I feel like these are some of the things that these actors are now able to put on their resumes (which they will surely have to keep updated because none of them will ever find work in the film industry ever again….)

  • I am able to survive a zombie apocalypse, providing that neither the zombies nor their beards are real
  • I have a British accent…sometimes.
  • I am able to pretend as though I know how to yield a sword, even though using that sort of weapon in combat has been virtually non-existent since 1876
  • I own my own red-eye contact lenses – great for parties and for pretending that I have pinkeye in order to get out of work for a week or so
  • I know how to growl in a foreboding way while bearing my false Dracula-like teeth and rotting lips
  • I frequently flail my arms (great skills for upper management, I’m told…)
  • I created the soundtrack for Osombie. In my basement. With my 8 year old brother. He wrote most of it. He also may have lifted it from every other action movie in existence
  • I often take my shirt off, whether there is a reason to or not. I find that it keeps me interested in my work…especially at a desk job
  • I kick like a ballerina
  • I can pretend that being in Nevada is the same as being in Afghanistan
  • I’ve never been to Afghanistan
  • Where is Afghanistan?

It’s at times like this that I realise how thankful I am that I am not one of these actors, that I have an education that includes history and excludes zombie survival, that I have a job where fighting with weapons is purely optional, and that I live in a free nation where no one will ever be able to force me to see a film like this.

(Sidenote: I’m going to see this film as soon as it comes out and I’m forcing all of my friends to go see it with me…unless it goes straight to video. Which it probably will.)

When Osombie comes out, will you force your friends to watch it?

What do you think the most ridiculous/offensive thing about this movie is?

Have you ever survived a zombie apocalypse?

About these ads


49 Responses to “What An Osombie Actor’s Resume Might Look Like…It’s Just as Appalling as the Film”

  1. LMFAO I am literally beside myself with laughter at this trailer!!!

    and the resume is awesome hahahaha

    • You’re going to go see the movie, aren’t you? Yeah, I know you are…

      Thanks, YB…good to see you here. ;)

  2. Is that for real?! Wow! So silly and stupid.

    • Oh, it’s real. I’m pretty sure that Kathy Lee and Hoda will be promoting it tomorrow morning*.

      It’s amazing what people will do for money, eh? I’m pretty sure that I’d rather be vacuuming out dog houses rather than be in this film**.

      Thanks for dropping by, JeanDay! Much appreciated!

      *This isn’t true
      ** This probably is

  3. Oh. My. Goodness.
    *speechless*

    • Yours is the exact reaction I had the first time I saw it. I have since watched it about 46 times and I now can’t stop talking about it. And writing about it. And tweeting about it.

      Thanks for dropping in, Jeff…great to have you here! ;)

  4. And I mean the movie looks silly and stupid! The post is spot on – and the title is so true. I don’t see any of the cast getting a Golden Globe for this. ;)

    • No, I don’t think they will – unless the Golden Globe is made out of horribleness and day-old garbage…then they might get one.

  5. I don’t do dead things that eat me so I won’t be dragging anyone to anything. Although I loved Zombieland for some reason.

    The kissing scenes were appallingly offensive. I think that blonde girl actually stuck her tongue in that man’s mouth. Did you see that? Horrible.

    I have in fact survived a Zombie Apocalypse… well sort of. I fell asleep once during one of those Twilight Zone marathons in college. It was almost a dorm… apartments set up practically on campus where all the renters were students. The marathon must have turned my brain to soup because when I woke up, my head was full of makeshift straws fashioned from Bic pens. It seemed like half the student body was gathered round me sucking my brains out. One dork was making cute little whistling sounds blowing into the end of his straw which really ticked me off cuz I had kind of a headache. Fortunately, my brains had kind of an intoxicating effect on them. I was able to fend them off by showing them the open pages of a textbook which was sitting on the coffee table for some reason. It set their eyes on fire and I was able to escape with 10% of my brains, which I’m told was more than I was using anyway.

    Another awesome post, Christy! I especially loved the 8 year old brother!

    • Do you think these guys may make a Zombieland equivalent? Perhaps OSombieland? Or ZombinLaden?

      Yes, I saw it and couldn’t believe what I was witnessing…just awful. How can they show that stuff on movie trailers?

      I’m impressed with your Zombie Apocalypse survival skills. If the same had happened to myself, I’m pretty sure I would have screamed like a little girl, flailed my arms, and then realised that having to run from zombies would exert a lot of energy, so I’d just sit on my couch, turn on the TV and wait for the inevitable to happen. Ah…laziness. You’ve saved me so much effort in my life.

      Thanks for dropping in again, Annie! This was a lame post as I only had a few minutes to write it, but I just couldn’t keep this ridiculousness to myself any longer…23 hours was long enough. ;)

  6. Ha, awesome! it’s so bad it is good! This goes right up there with movies with Zombie Nazi’s! A must see!

    • Oh, yes…it’s terrible. Thus why I’m forcing my friends to go see it with me. One of my favourite things to do is watch horrible films and mock them. Have you seen The Thing before? If not, you need to. It’s awesome. Trust me.

      Thanks for stopping in again, Deano. Always great to have you here! ;)

      • Got to love a terrible movie! I refused to see the recent remake of “The Thing” as the 80’s version is one of my favs….although I hear its pretty good.

        Suddenly I feel like watching Plan 9 From Outer Space ;-) http://youtu.be/u2ukRYsYPmo

      • Yes!! Plan 9 is one of the best terrible movies out there!! Definitely one of my favourites. :)

        Also, I refused to see the remake of “The Thing” as well…I mean, the 80’s really knew how to do movies right, you know? No need to impress upon perfection. (Thank you “Gymkata” and “Defcon-4″!)

      • Oh god Defcon 4 how could I have forgotten you?!

        If you want to see a brilliantly terrible movie check out Dracula Vs Frankenstein, one of Lon Chaney Jr.’s last movies before he passed away

        http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067017/

      • I’m on it!!

  7. Not sure what to make of what I just saw here, except to say I feel a responsibility and duty now to keep others from seeing it…and certainly to avoid seeing a full-length version of whatever this is supposed to be. I don’t know of any zombies…or have participated in any zombie-related activities…except if you count certain early AM office meetings.

    • It’s probably the worst thing to ever be put on film. In that same vein, I am planning on seeing it opening night/when it’s released directly to DVD.

      If early morning meetings are your only zombie encounters, it’s really a shame. How will you be prepared for the inevitable zombie apocalypse?

      Thanks for stopping in again, Sports! Always great to see familiar faces here. ;)

  8. That is horrendous. It has the production values of a high-budget Bulgarian daytime teenage sitcom.

    I quite liked the bit with the huge plane though. I love those things.

    Actually at first I thought it was a British film ‘cos of the accents. And it looks quite high budget compared to most of the stuff we put out.

    • Hahaha!! Oh, your comment literally made me laugh out loud, Michael. There’s just something about Bulgarian daytime teenage sitcoms that both intrigues me and grosses me out (for some odd reason).

      Also, don’t sell Brits short. You guys produced Harry Potter…wait. You did produce that, right? And if you did, you should apologise to the rest of the world for it.

      • I did actually go to Bulgaria a few years ago. I sampled plenty of Bulgarian beer but zilch in the way Bulgarian television. It was probably for the best.

        Yes we produced Harry Potter. I only saw the first one and I thought it was dire.

        Please accept this humble Brit’s apologies for Harry Potter and also NHS dentistry.

  9. my kids love zombie movies and I have no idea why!!!!

    • They’re going to want to see this film, aren’t they? Oh man…you’re in for a real treat, Zendictive. ;)

  10. I’m putting two dollars into the swear jar as I type this, but it’s worth it: What the f*** was that?

    • THAT…is the worst thing ever put on film.

  11. Hi Ms. PCC,

    Ozombie looks like a sick, gratuitous flick devoted to violence and blood spray. And baby, I can’t wait to see it. Zombies enjoy an amazing resurgence these days, for they always return from the dead during difficult economic periods. When the whole world looks like it’s going to Hell in a hand basket, zombies just seem to make sense.

    Check out my recent post on this very subject:

    http://jayfnelson.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/you-cant-keep-a-good-zombie-down/

    When sharing a few drinkypoos among my kats and kittens, I occasionally wax mirthful and reassure one of my homies that he or she has the #1 spot on my speed dial, and will receive a call when the zombie apocalypse arrives. After all, when fighting for survival, you need to know that you can trust your partner to blast a hollow nose round through your brain pan once you get infected. Now that’s what I call real friendship.

    In other news, the latest episode of The Walking Dead airs in just two days. Hot damn!

    http://www.amctv.com/shows/the-walking-dead

    • Hi Jay,

      Terribly made films are kind of my secret joy in life. So, as appalled as I am at this movie, I still want to go see it. It’s terribleness is something that I enjoy. Zombie movies are good…there’s no denying that. Zombified Osamas, however, are ridiculous. (Does it not amaze anyone else that he was assassinated only 9 months ago and these producers have already come up with an idea, written a script, filmed it, and have a soundtrack with a soon-to-be-released date of a Zombie Osama? No? Is it just me?)

      Also, you’re an interesting person…sort of like a beatnik cowboy who calls me “baby”. And I dig it.

      Thanks for stopping in, Jay! Always great to see a new face here! ;)

  12. 28 Scott Mitchell

    lol
    I’ll be sure to watch this one in a theater that allows me to stay and watch it 2 or 3 times. If not, I’ll be happy to pay again.

    • Cool. I’m coming with you, then.

  13. 30 Rene

    Well that was a wide awaking.:) Hard to believe this even made the cut to be called a movie. I bet you will go see it. Happy viewing/

    • Of course I’m going to go see it! It’s terrible! ;)

  14. Can a 70 second film clip ruin a life?

    In a word: Yes… it can. :-D

    I too noticed the shifty accents, which makes me wonder if Osombie is really real. Of course, just as a precaution, I wielded my trusted butter sword and checked in all the closets (I figure he was a good hider when he was alive… how much better of a hider must he be now that he’s dead???), and I showered with the curtain open just to make sure that I’d spot ‘im (ooh shifty accent!) if he came through the door.

    I got in trouble though, about all of the water on the floor. :-(

    Also, did you notice that the guy who said, “thumwonths gonna have to thake a thtand… thumonths gonna have to thay……. enough” sounded a lot like Carson Kressley???

    I just don’t know. I mean he’s a snappy dresser, and I can respect that, but I’m not convinced that he’s the man for THIS job. Ya know?

    I’m pre ordering my tickets. You want me to secure a couple for you as well???

    • Excellent. I’ve just ruined your life. I knew I could do it.

      In case you’re still curious, please rest assured that Osombie is very real, my friend. So very real that it hurts. I do believe that have completed production on it, and are just shopping around now for a theatre that will actually agree to screen it.

      On a completely unrelated note, I’m pretty sure this film will go straight to video.

      I’m glad that the trailer terrified you. It’s supposed to do that. You never know when Osombie may show up…be aware.

      And, yes, I do want you to secure some tickets for me as well. A thousand times yes! After all, this is the must-see film of the century (I don’t believe it’s too early in the century to say that…)

      Thanks for stopping in again, Dinkerson! Always love your comments! :)

  15. What have you done!? Now I have to watch this thing and it doesn’t look that great! Did you ever hear about the movie “The Human Centipede” (or something like that)? Everyone told me not to watch it, that I was better off watching Killer Clowns from Outer Space.. but no. I had to watch it.

    I watched them both.

    Edwin

    • Then you and I will be great friends, Edwin. Great friends.

      It appears as though we both love and hate terrible movies. I mock them to no end, and then I secretly watch them and mock them to myself. I don’t know why I find such enjoyment in that…maybe I’m actually meant to be a lame actor in an awful film. Maybe I missed my calling in life…who knows?

      I’ve never seen Killer Clowns from Outer Space nor The Human Centipede, but you can bet your socks I’ll be watching them soon!

      Thanks for dropping by, Edwin! Good to see you here again! :)

  16. Typo Monster thinks you mean “wield a sword”, not “yield”.

    • Oops! Yes, you’re right…that’s what I meant to type! I probably missed it because I was just so anxious to share this terrible, terrible trailer…I didn’t even care about spelling/grammar/anything else that was happening in the world.

  17. Hi Christy, how have you been? :)

    Well, Im currently following The Walking Dead series, they are back now after a kind of break during christmas

    I really recomend you to watch their both seasons, it’s really nice, an atypical zombie series, different from Resident Evil and so :) Much better than what Osombie seems to be :P

    See you!

    • I think that any zombie movie would be better than Osombie, Javi.

      Any zombie movie.

      Thanks for stopping by again! Always good to see you here! :)

  18. John Wayne would be so proud!

    • Yeah, I figured he would too.

      Thanks for stopping by, Ric! Much appreciated! :)

  19. I think and really hope it’s supposed to be tongue in cheek!

    • I’m sorry to tell you that this film is meant to be a legitimate horror film. It’s not tongue and cheek at all…unless it’s rotting tongue and cheek zombie flesh…

      Thanks for dropping in, Erin! Much appreciated! :)

  20. OK….I’m not a consumer of everything Zombie, not am I a consumer/critic of all things low budget…but I would see this. With one caveat: I have many of my friends with me, and following a brilliant Zombie-pre-party at my house. With some red wine. And food. Lasagna, maybe.

    But enough of the planning for the party. yes! This is right up there, although even more poorly portrayed, possibly – than the “Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” film coming out this year. But…sadly…I might go see that too. As long as there’s no “Twilight” cross-over appearances. That would ruin it completely for me.

    How did you find this? And one other question I thought of: Where would the mega-huge opening night screening be held? West coast? East coast? Midwest? Bible belt? In the White house?

    Love your blog, and I am so happy I found you…you make me giggle!

    I just wrote ‘giggle.’

    Blessings,

    Dug

    http://tr4f.wordpress.com

    • Just so you know, if you have that Osombie party and don’t invite me to it, I will take serious offense.

      Also, I think we should go see Osombie and then Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter in succession. I feel like we may be able to offer a true critique of each piece upon watching them back-to-back.

      I first heard about Osombie on the radio and I almost called the radio station to ask if they could please send me a copy of the trailer. I then realised that it wasn’t pre-2005 and I could just look it up on YouTube. I couldn’t believe what I had seen, and now I can’t wait to see the film. Incredible stuff, I tell you.

      Thanks so much for taking the time to read my ridiculousness, Dug…I can’t imagine why you’d even want to bother, but I’m so glad you did. :)

      P.S. What’s wrong with “giggle”? It’s a perfectly manly word.

  21. I have many manly characteristics, and ‘giggling’ must be added to them with haste!

    Actually, the Osombie party has to happen, and a back-to-back doubleheader with ‘Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ would be awesome. Do I need to mention that that has never, in the history of the world, EVER happened?

    (well…I mean specifically with those two movies…but still…)

    And your ‘ridiculousness,’ as you refer to it, is hilarious…and if people focused on hilarity, there would be fewer wars, poverty would decline….fights in the bedroom may rise, but it’s a price I think we’d all be willing to pay for overall world peace. That may be a good poll topic…

    • That’s true. If only every political leader began to read blogs about lame movies and elevator problems, we’d all live in a much more peaceful world, I’m sure. Also, if that happens, I want to take credit for world peace. I don’t think that’s too much to ask…

  22. LoL , Hollywood does some crazy stuff…. :)
    and I guess this is one of them. After watching the trailer I was left wondering “what the hell”…..

    what is the story and “HELLO Afghanistan and ZOMBIES”, quite a combo…..

    all i can think of is that the guy making the movie is zombie fetish and highly emotional person and the actors had a huge cash crunch that they signed up for something like that…

    and by the way love the way write , I just started following. Have read two of your post and I can certainly say that I have become your fan… :D

    • Agreed. They must have paid these actors an exorbitant amount of money to force them to create something so lame. Either that or they paid them in Denny’s coupons because these actors were just that desperate to be on screen (most likely option).

      Thanks very much for your kind words, Sheokhanda! Much appreciated! :)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 314 other followers

%d bloggers like this: