“I Wish My Appendix Would Just Burst So My Trainer Will Leave Me Alone”, and Other Things I Think While at the Gym…

16Feb12

Okay, I’m going to be perfectly honest and transparent here, folks…I would rather eat a Big Mac than work out (of course, most of you already know that). That being said, I still work out all the time tirelessly on occasion. I put on my best neon-coloured spandex outfit, my trendiest terry-cloth sweatband, and pull up my hair into the highest, tightest ponytail humanly possible and get my body moving*.

(*The last time I worked out, this was the fashion…this is still acceptable workout attire, I assume.)

Sort of what I look like at the gym.

So, last night, I was talking to one of my friends about working out and, somehow, we started talking about all of the things we think about when we’re at the gym, on the treadmill, or in a zumba class. You see, most people think about work or personal issues and work out the aggression of the situation, or they think about how awesome their quads are (is that what they’re called? Quads? I wouldn’t know because I’m a weakling who doesn’t work out her quads).

Not us. Here’s a little snippet of what our conversation last night sounded like:

Matt: Do you know what you’re going to write about tomorrow?

PCC: Nope. No idea. Can you please give me some ideas, then write the entire post for me, while I receive all of the credit?

Matt: (Completely ignores my last statement) Why don’t you write about things you think about when you’re working out?

PCC: What do you mean? Something like, “Is my body supposed to be able to bend like that” or “At what point is it socially acceptable to punch my trainer in the jugular?”

Matt: Exactly! Or something like, “I wonder how long I have until I have a stroke?”

PCC: “Am I supposed to be able to hear my bones?”

Matt: “Why are the lights dimming?”

PCC: “Why can I feel my heartbeat in my tongue?”

Matt: “Why is everything spinning? And why am I moving in slow-motion? Is this real life?”

PCC: “I wonder just how much sweat my eyeballs have excreted so far…”

Matt: “Is it better to throw up on myself and the machine, or the huge muscled guy next to me?”

PCC: “Is it possible to keep running on the treadmill even though you’re pretty sure you died 9 minutes ago?”

Matt: “If I’m in Heaven, why does it hurt so much?”

PCC: “Is it possible to be stomach sick, have an asthma attack, go blind, and have a heart attack all at the same time? If not, then what’s happening to me right now?”

Matt: “How can my arms be both numb and on fire?”

PCC: “I didn’t realise that my knees could bend in 7 different directions…I assume that’s normal.”

Matt: “I wonder…what exactly is a bicep?”

Sort of what Matt looks like at the gym.

PCC: “Wait…my thighs aren’t supposed to look like Santa Claus’ stomach?”

Matt: “Exactly how quickly do you have to breathe before your head explodes?”

PCC: “At what point does your blood actually boil? And is there any way to cool it down in 17 seconds or less? If not, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die in 17 seconds.”

Matt: “Why am I hearing dolphins squeaking? Oh wait…that’s just me, hyperventilating.”

PCC: “If I just go back to school and study really hard and become the most educated person in the world, will I be able to find someone who will love me just for my brain and won’t care how my body looks? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that would be less work and effort.”

Matt: “I never knew my lungs tasted like blood and tears.”

PCC: “I’ve just sweat through my shirt and my pants…I hope people know that it’s just sweat.”

At this point, Matt decided that this conversation was too ridiculous to continue and abruptly cut me off, citing the fact that he had to get up in 9 hours as the reason why he was hanging up. Pfft…lame excuse, Matt. I don’t buy it. It is possible to get by with only 9 hours of sleep, even though I do recommend a full 12. I mean, you do have to keep up your strength for the next workout session which will be filled with tears, regret, exhaustion, and probably broken knee caps…and, for me, that’s just the warm-up.

What do you think about when you work out?

Have you ever had a near-death experience while on the treadmill?

Will you judge others who have?

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44 Responses to ““I Wish My Appendix Would Just Burst So My Trainer Will Leave Me Alone”, and Other Things I Think While at the Gym…”

  1. Best. Post. Ever. Also, if you really sweated that much out of your eyes (which are lovely, by the way), your gobstoppers would actually dissolve into nothingness. Just saying.

    • Hence why I’m pretty sure that I’m going blind whenever I work out.

  2. That’s hysterical! I pretty much have the same couple of thoughts.
    “Am I done yet?”
    “I feel like I’m running in a pool of caramel.”

    • I also feel like I run in caramel…and that it’s on the stove, gradually heating up until it reaches boiling temperatures.

      Thanks so much for dropping in, HealthyTakeOver! Much appreciated! :)

  3. Okay, serious answer for a change. I don’t work out. I run. When I run, I don’t think at all, which is why I run… well, that and because I can afford it. Alright, yeah, there’s a little more too it than that…

    The last time I’m at the gym, I’m on the treadmill, and I have the pace set pretty high for a 2km run. There’s this blonde chick on the treadmill next to me, no lie, trying to eat a frikkin Big Mac while she’s working out! Not to be judgmental or anything, but she’s wearing a striped tard over mismatched neon tights. A word, Girl? Anyway, she looks over at the sweaty muscled guy on the other side of her and I guess it doesn’t set well with her burger, cuz she quick looks my way but it’s too late and she spews Big Mac all over my treadmill in front of me. I slip on it and crack my head and I’m like out. The EMT comes in and puts my neck in a brace, but the gag reaction is too much for him, and so he hurls right on me. They roll me into the ambulance and the assistant starts checking my vitals and then she tosses her cookies all over me too! I should be worried about this bilious elephant train carrying over to triage, etc., but the whole ride to the hospital all I can think is this image of a tombstone stuck in my head.

    Anne Schilde
    11/11/1984 – 2/16/2012

    Killed by a Big Mac
    Don’t judge

    These are hilarious, Christy! The pictures are hilarious!

    I about choked on the Santa Claus’ one. I’ve got that outfit picture from above stuck in my head and I’m thinking, Girl, they look more like one of his elves!

    I love ♥ LOVE ♥ the btheducation link!!

    Did I ever mention the questions at the bottom of your posts are really great writing prompts?

    • That girl sounds terrible. I can’t imagine how anyone could possibly act like that in public and put on such a display. Shameful…

      Annie, you are about the best person in the world, I believe! This was honestly the most hilarious comment that anyone has ever written on my blog. EVAH!!!

      Now, I really must pull up my leg-warmers, don my wristbands, and get outta here…this butt ain’t gonna work itself out! (But can you imagine what that would look like if it did??)

      Thanks, Annie!! LOOOVE when you stop in…always leave me laughing! :)

      • Thanks for putting up with me! :) Haha, you do make yourself an easy character to invent don’t you?

      • You know, I think most people think that what I post here is more of a caricature of myself. It’s not. It’s me. This is what I’m actually like.

        Horrendous, isn’t it?

        (As if I “put up” with you, Annie! You’re the best!!) :D

  4. I’ve often contemplated what the consequences would be if I ralphed on the dude next to me, and not all over my machine. Also, yesterday I realized that I had been singing “head and shoulders, knees and toes” (in french, no less) for ten minutes straight, whilst on the treadmill.

    Exercise does strange, strange stuff to my head.

    Fab post!

    • But were you doing the actions for the song as well? ‘Cause if you were, that would be equivalent to an entire workout session, in my opinion. Therefore, you wouldn’t have to go to the gym, thus eliminating the possibility of you ralphing on the guy next to you…you’d just do it on yourself.

      Wow. I just grossed myself out there.

      Thanks so much for dropping in, RantAndRoll! Much appreciated! :)

  5. 11 Rene

    Been there, done it all & not doing it anymore. Love me as I am or not at all.:)
    I hate working out,I really really hate it.Did I say I hate working out? Give me school any day. Brain over body I say.:)

    Good post, now we can vent.Right?

    • Yes! Brain over Brawn! I agree! If a man can’t love my Santa Claus thighs, then he doesn’t love me at all… ;)

  6. Bloody womens moaning about exercise all the time. Just park your arse on the saddle and keep peddling, love.

    I sort of think of various things down the gym actually. I sort of zone out and then an idea for a blog post or plot point in one of my books might pop into my head.

    The closest I have come to dying on a treadmill is putting my foot half-off the treadmill and nearly falling over. I sort of poo’ed my pants at the time.

    • But I hate peddling. I’ll do it, but I’m going to complain about it.

      It sounds like you’re way more productive at the gym than I am…ideas for blog posts never pop into my head when I’m working out. Even when I try to force it. And I do that a lot.

      Thanks for dropping by and tossing me into the “Women Who Complain About Exercising” category, Michael…much appreciated! ;)

      P.S. Remind me to never get on the treadmill after you. You know…just in case.

  7. Work outs consist of playing basketball and mowing the lawn. When I play basketball, I think of not getting dunked on. When I mow the lawn, I think of not losing a foot. What is this treadmill you write of? :) The last near-death experience I had was when I fell on some ice several years ago and was afraid to look at what was left of my ankle. Fortunately, it was still attached albeit twice its issued size. Laughed out loud, PCC. Great read!

    • Mowing the lawn, huh? Does sweeping count as well? If so, then I’m sure I’m in the best shape of my life. And when I’m sweeping, I think of what the dust bunnies would say if they could talk. Things like, “Why are you ignoring us?”, or “Why do you call us bunnies? We’re not cute and we’re not fuzzy. Call us dirtballs.”, I imagine.

      Thanks for stopping by again, Sports! Your comments always make me laugh out loud! :)

  8. The times I work out in a gym I wonder which person will give me mouth to mouth if I pass out.
    I hope he or she has a gentle touch.

    • I think about that too. I also hope he’s extremely goodlooking and uses plenty of Chapstick.

      Thanks for stopping in, Tom! Always great to see new faces here! :)

  9. You’d never imagine this to possibly be true if you saw me now, but for almost ten years I was very seriously into working out and body building.

    I told this to someone the other day, and he choked on his snickers bar. I suppose I could’ve helped him, but instead I grabbed the rim of his boxers, snatched them soundly over his head, wadded his snickers wrapper into his ear, poured my mountain dew in his eyes, and shoved him out into busy traffic.

    Then I came to, and he was still laughing and choking. I asked him if he was okay and kind of patted his back.

    When I used to work out, I would try to think only about the specific muscle that I was working out at the moment. Whether I was working the outer bicep, inner bicep, upper or lower triceps, I thought only of that one thing. Any distraction from the exhaustion of the rest of my body would only serve to weaken that specific point that I was working, thus the rest of my body would be put out of my mind in that moment.

    • Hey, man…I’ve seen your photos and I’m not surprised by that at all! Also, I’m not surprised that you gave your friend a wedgie and then shoved him into oncoming traffic. That’s just the kind of guy you are.

      You seem to have a much more productive workout-thought-regime, Nathan. As I said in the post, I don’t really know what a quad is, so if I’m actually thinking about it, I’m wondering where in my body it is. That’s it.

      Love when you stop by, Nathan! Always hilarious! :)

      P.S. Are you posting again soon?? Some of us are anxiously waiting, here…hint hint.

  10. I now get my workout from climbing towers. And I think about not falling.

    • I get my workout from climbing my stairs.

      I fall all the time. Both up and down.

      • Ha ha! You sound like Steph. Back in high school, she won homecoming queen, and fell flat on her face when she was walking out to get her crown! She literally made a thud and slid a few feet when she hit. Got up grinning ear to ear though, and completely won over the crowd.
        Damn, she still falls. She was walking by me just a few days ago, trying to do this sexy little dance (doing quite nicely I thought) and suddenly disappeared behind the couch. She said that her toe got caught in the hem of her pants and she crashed. Geez.

        I need to post, yes… I can’t deny that I’ve been a slacker. And I’ve gotta say that I appreciate your interest. I really do.

        By the way, I always like it when you stop by too. It seems to me like we may have been friends in another life. Ya know? Maybe not… but I can’t help thinking that we’d get along great.

      • Hahaha!! I’m certain Steph and I were separated at birth, then. I’ve never met another woman who is as clumsy as I am…sounds like she’d give me a run for my money!

        Of course I’m interested in your posts! Love your writing! Waiting for more….ahem…

        I’m pretty sure that you and I are old souls who have been friends for years…and Steph is my not-real-life-clutsy-twin. Too bad you guys live so far away…I’m pretty sure we’d have a blast hanging out.

        Either that, or it would be incredibly awkward and we’d both post about it the next day. Either way, a win-win situtaion. ;)

  11. “Why am I hearing dolphins squeaking?”

    That’s Flipper pushing out another 15 quick reps.

    • Flipper’s a jerk. He never cleans the machines when he’s done with them and always walks around the changeroom in a towel that’s 3 sizes too small.

      Jerk.

      (Just so you know, your comment literally made me laugh out loud, DoT…as usual). :)

  12. I watch politics on the news most times so I think about how much I dislike certain news outlets and pundits. It t is kind of a drag too, I don’t like being mad at the gym. It totally throws off my focus.

    • Oh man, you’re a much more involved and responsible citizen than I am, Mitchell. I watch The Simpsons. And then I laugh until I almost fall off the eliptical.

      Good to see hear from you again, Mitchell! Thanks for dropping in! :)

  13. i started working out recently for the first time in about 5 years… it’s an all women’s gym and the workout is tough and all.. but the worst part BY FAR is the farts and horrible outfits (i’m talking about the 75 year old woman in the zumba class was wearing sheer black panty hose instead of spandex)

    I actually recently blogged about my experience: http://highfiverson.wordpress.com/2012/01/31/gym-nasty-icks/

    is this because it’s an all women’s gym!??! lord beer me strength.

    • Does she wear the spandex body suit with the black panty hose? Because that’s what a woman at my old gym used to wear. All the time.

      I cancelled my membership.

      Thanks for dropping by again, HighFive! You always make me laugh! :)

  14. AHAHAHHHHHAHHAHHH!!

    You are hysterical. ““If I’m in Heaven, why does it hurt so much?””

    Love it!

    • Well, thanks very much, but I’m still laughing at your bird post…absolutely hilarious!!

      Thanks for stopping in, DailyDish! Much appreciated! :)

  15. First, I always thought that the Flash Dance leggings and attire was always hot. Once again I am showing my age.

    Next, you need to get a get set of tunes, then just zone out on auto pilot.

    You don’t need a trainer, unless it is free.

    Spring is on the way down here, I am going to start walking and enjoy the fresh air.

    Later

    • Good advice…all of which I probably won’t take into account because I’m too focused on my imminent death via the eliptical.

      Thanks for stopping in again, Mark!

  16. 35 Rafans Manado

    Tabea…. Nice blog. Aku suka ini. Salam kenal dari Kota Manado – Indonesia. Terima kasih,-

  17. wow…hilarious post!
    one particular work out session was the worst ever for me, the usual-bones breaking, lungs run out, heart exploding, etc. so I tried to flirt with my trainer so he’d let me go. I dunno how he missed my super sweaty avatar or the hoarse desperation in my voice, but it egged him so much that since then he started paying extra attention to my work out!…which meant extra time at the gym!!

    • Haha! “Heart exploding!” Brilliant. Oh man, I’m all about flirting with the trainer in hopes of distracting him…it usually doesn’t work (and by “usually”, I mean “never”). I think they’re usually onto that. For some reason, it’s not very attractive to have a girl whisper sweet nothings in your ear when her face is super red and she can’t breathe at a normal human pace…

      Thanks so much for stopping in, Sharvani! Great to see new people here and hear their stories! :)

  18. Reblogged this on theconservativehillbilly and commented:
    This is great PCC!

    • Thanks very much, Conservative! I’m glad people find joy in my misery… ;)

      • Hey, I have been working out for 25 years. So I know misery. Good to hear from you and I hope all is well..
        John

  19. I am seeing a disturbing trend toward the jugular as favorite “Go To Punch Location”:

    “At what point is it socially acceptable to punch my trainer in the jugular?”

    Is there a “Jugular Anger Management Series” (also known as ‘JAMS’) offered at the college? ;)

    Love your writing, it’s very fun to read and even funner to re-read…when I read it a third time I might refer to that as being the funliest ever!

    • I find it to be one of the most unprotected and vulnerable areas of one’s body, liable to do some serious damage, so, yeah, it’s my go-to punch location. That and the tibia. Then I get all, “WA-POW! Didn’t expect to get hit in your tibia, did ya?”

      And then I smile smugly as I protect my own tibia from retaliation.

  20. hahaha!


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