Hamburgers, Breadbowls, and Other Vegetables…

21Nov11

Last week I read an article that should have shocked me, but it didn’t. It was all about how, according to Congress, frozen pizza is a vegetable and will be served to American students as such. We all know that everyone needs to eat 5-10 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, and Congress has informed American children that they will be receiving at least one serving of vegetables per day if they eat a slice of pizza each day.

People are all up-in-arms about this because they like to claim that frozen pizza is, in fact, not a vegetable. I beg to differ. I mean, there is 2 tbsp of tomato paste slapped on that slice! We all know that tomato paste (“paste” just screams “healthy”) is made from tomatoes (vegetables), so, ipso facto, it is a vegetable.

Ketchup? Heck no. Tomato paste? Couldn’t be more clear.

What's all that leafy green stuff? Why is it in the "Vegetables" section? Did it come from a can? If not, then I'm not sure it counts...right USDA?

 

I feel like we need to educate the children of North America into making wise decisions. For some reason, my generation always seemed to go to school or head off to college with the ideas that true vegetables grow in the ground, that fruit grows on trees, and that dairy products must actually be made solely of dairy. What’s up with that?

Apparently, both Congress and myself share in the desire to see healthy American children, so I would like to share with you all a list of my top 3 favourite healthy foods:

1) Big Macs

(Yeah, you all knew this would be the first one…)

Big Macs have about 4 shreds of wilted lettuce on them, as well as what I can only assume is 3 heat-lamped pickles. The way I see it, that’s 2 servings of veggies. BAM! I’m almost halfway to my daily vegetable goal.

They also have 2 slabs of processed cheese stuck somewhere inside of them, which constitutes 2 servings of dairy products (the daily minimum), as well as 2 groundΒ chicken horse boots ummm…I guess beef patties. Then, the whole concoction is thrown together delicately placed inside 3 pieces of over-processed sugar-filled white hamburger buns.

All in all, a heart attack waiting to happen proper meal.

Also, I’m pretty sure that the “special sauce” counts as 2 glasses of your daily water intake…

Now, THAT is a vegetable! Lettuce shouldn't be green...it should be yellow and white. (Photo Credit: ohsofat.blogspot.com)

 

2) Starbucks Venti White Chocolate Mocha*

It’s really a shame that Starbucks tends only to market towards teenagers who know that holding a Starbucks coffee cup will make them look cool adults. I mean, it’s pretty evident that their products are solely aimed at making you diabetic healthy.

The White Chocolate Mocha is full of fat and empty calories dairy products, like whipped cream, milk, and chocolate. It’s very clear that Starbucks just wants to give you diabetes the best and healthiest option for you to become fully diabetic healthy.

*In order for this one to really be healthy, it’s important for you to ask for an extra helping of whipped cream on top.

Make sure you drizzle some caramel sauce on there too. Caramel is a fruit. I'm sure of it.

3) Chicken Carbonara Breadbowl Pasta

Since bread, cereal, rice and pasta are the basis of healthy eating, I think it’s pretty clear that this dish should be the foundation of your imminent heart attack diet. There is clearly a large amount of fat grains and fat carbohydrates, so you should feel good about your decision when you opt for this on the 10 easiest ways to cause your own death list menu.

Ahh...bread and pasta. Just like Mom used to make... (Photo Credit: yumsugar.com)

I’m pretty sure that, after reading through this list, all of you students out there have received quite an education as to what is healthy and what is not. Since Congress has approved the notion that frozen pizza is, indeed, a vegetable serving, I have no doubt that these items will soon make the list as well.

If you’re still unsure about these meal choices (although I have no idea why you would be), might I suggest eating something that you know will soon be considered healthy by the USDA: cardboard. You know they will find something healthy in it…like bran. I mean, after all, if it looks like bran, smells like bran, and tastes like bran…

So, now it’s lunchtime for me…I’m heading out to eat a balanced diet of a Whopper Jr., a milkshake, and a nice healthy piece of cardboard. *Sigh*…I love eating healthfully.

I might even throw in some exercise!

Lifting my Whopper Jr. from the table to my mouth and back down again counts, right USDA?

Do you think frozen pizza constitutes as a vegetable?

Would you rather eat frozen pizza or cardboard? Or do you think they’re essentially the same thing?

Do you think the author of this post has lost her mind or is being just incredibly sarcastic? (Not gonna lie…I’m not sure either…)

 

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41 Responses to “Hamburgers, Breadbowls, and Other Vegetables…”

  1. Haha, I laughed so hard the second “1) Big Macs” rolled into view!

    This post immediately reminded me of a video I just saw of Bill Cosby talking about serving his kids chocolate cake for breakfast, which is awfully long for the relevant 30 seconds, but very funny.

    Another fabulous post! I think you just nailed the perfect college diet!

    Pizza, as (hopefully) evidenced here..

    …is obviously a vegetable. It’s seasonal though, so they have to package it and freeze it.

    The problem with cardboard is that when you take a bite, there are no gooey strings. So… you have to put cheese on it. But then the grease soaks through the cardboard. So… you have to slap a layer of paste in between. But then you kinda have pizza. So… yeah, same thing.

    Yes, sadly, the author has lost her mind. But this is okay, because it makes her write crazy funny stuff, and also makes her less susceptible to zombie attacks.

    • Darn image tags that don’t work!

      • Lol!! Thanks Anne!

    • Yeah, I figured you would be the first one to catch me on the Big Mac thing, Anne…you know me too well now!

      As for the frozen pizza vs cardboard debate, I think you are dead-on. I mean, cardboard is close but it’s no cigar…but it is sorta like bran muffins, though. At least from what I’ve been told…I’ve never actually eaten a bran muffin. I mean, who would, right?

      Yes, the author has lost her mind…I’ll let her know that she is safe from zombie attacks, though. I’m sure she’ll be glad to hear it… πŸ˜‰

      • Ack! I might have said this before; I worked in a bakery in college. I did random culinary quality sampling ate bran muffins, after which, I started altering the ingredients when I made them. One day my boss stops me in the kitchen, “Annie, how come we’re selling out of the bran muffins every day, but I never have to order any bran muffin mix?”

      • LOL!! That’s hilarious!

        *Sigh*…now those would be some bran muffins I’d like…

      • [cries] My strike-through didn’t work either.

      • Aww…it’s okay, Annie… *sops up your tears with buns from my Big Mac*

      • @Anne Schilde – Nice one on the bran muffins. Now I want to know the recipe.

        @PCC Advantage – Good call on the Big Mac. McDs is pretty unhealthy fare (especially when eaten often, which some do); I hate to admit it but I had it quite a bit when I was younger (not heaps often, but often enough).

        Mind you, after I got sick of removing them from the junior burgers, I did develop a taste for pickle slices, so that was the one pro-health experience I got from McDonalds.

      • Yes, Anne’s recipe for her bran muffins is a big hit. I mean, I love bran muffins…as long as they replace the bran with chocolate cake mix.

        Yeah, Big Mac’s are not the healthiest of foods (that’s a mild understatement), and yet we still eat them all the time! I have no doubt that in about 57 days, Congress will deem them as a complete, healthy meal.

        As for your pickle slices, I’m glad that you decided to start eating them, but I’m not sure they can be deemed as “pickles” – they’re more like “slices of brown paper bag”. Perhaps you’ve developed a taste for that… πŸ˜‰

        Thanks so much for stopping in and taking the time to comment, RedBeard! Much appreciated!! πŸ˜€

  2. I would add that Skittles count as fruit. Really funny post, especially the use of strikethrough! Love the Big Mac breakdown.

    • Agreed! Skittles do count as fruit…as does Starburst candies. No question.

      Thanks for dropping in again, Clay!

  3. Understood. So… Two slices of pizza? At McDonald’s I usually request extra wilted strands of lettuce because I’m warming up to go vegan.

    • Good for you. I hear that a vegan diet is rather healthy. I think that, in addition to cardboard, you’re also allowed to eat brown paper bags too – the McDonald’s lettuce should well prepare you for that.

      Thanks for dropping by again, David! πŸ˜‰

  4. When I put my head out of the car window I sometimes swallow a fly. Would that count as a vegetable?

    And is a venus flytrap a herbivore or an carnivore?

    • If frozen pizza can count as a vegetable, I’m pretty sure that flies do as well. I mean, if you want to get all technical, you might be able to make a stronger argument that it’s part of the protein section, but I think the wings are very similar in both taste and consistency to the lettuce on a Big Mac, so…it’s both a serving of protein and a serving of veg. Well-balanced meal, if you ask me.

      Based on my prior argument, I would say that a venus flytrap is both a herbivore and a carnivore. Therefore, if you eat a venus flytrap, you are going to be getting servings of both veggies and protein.

      I’m pretty sure we’ll see venus flytraps on cafeteria menus throughout America fairly soon.

      Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment again, Michael! πŸ˜‰

  5. 1. I do not consider frozen pizza a veggie, even if it’s a veggie frozen pizza. 2. I do prefer frozen pizza to cardboard, although further testing might reveal the difference is marginal.
    3. I believe the author of this post is of sound mind. I do detect a hint of sarcasm within the post however.

    • 1. But the USDA says it is…aren’t we to believe everything they tell us? After all, they’re always looking out for the well-being of the American population…

      2. The difference is, in fact, marginal and my taste-buds have concluded that the cardboard is tastier. And healthier. And cheaper. And has a longer shelf-life.

      3. I may have to disagree with you here…she seems to have gone rather mad, if you ask me. There isn’t a sarcastic bone in her body…

      Thanks for dropping in and taking the time to comment again, Sports! As always, it’s greatly appreciated! πŸ˜‰

  6. What an amazing post!! Please ensure that it reaches the concerned official/s in Congress. It is great to see that a professional from the education sector is driving the message of having a healthy lifestyle, in a very sarcastic manner πŸ™‚

    The use of strikethrough is the best I have seen till date, educational yet entertaining.

    Fast Food is nothing but junk food. Great way to put forward the idea. I am sure many will benefit a lot from this post. It will atleast make them think twice before indulging in junk food.

    Excellent post as always. Keep Writing! πŸ™‚

    • Well, thank you very much, Sumukh! I’m not sure that Congress cares what a blogger who, for some unknown reason, was offered a job at a private college in Canada has to say on the matter, but I’ll do my best!

      Yes, you are right! Fast food is nothing but junk; we all seem to know that, but we seem to forget as soon as someone tells us it isn’t! I guess when you’re addicted to Big Macs, you’ll listen to anyone who tells you that they’re healthy… πŸ˜‰

      As for the strike-throughs, thank you again. It’s amazing how just striking through little bits of information can really alter the meaning of an article…hmm…perhaps that’s what Congress did when they were writing the argument in favour of frozen pizza veggies…

      Thanks again for coming by and taking the time to read and comment, Sumukh! Much appreciated! πŸ™‚

  7. Hilarious post! I don’t understand how pizza could ever be considered a vegetable. Did they not notice the crust/any other part of it?

    Sorry for not having seen Braveheart!

    • Well, I guess it’s okay for vegetables to have crusts these days…or even made entirely of sugar and yeast. I mean, that makes sense, right? πŸ˜‰

      I can’t believe you haven’t seen Braveheart!! That’s one that needs to be on the top of your list, my young friend! It’s the best movie that has ever been made.

      Ever. Like, ever.

      Thanks so much for dropping in, MovieBlog8! Greatly appreciated….after all, I know this is a busy day for you! πŸ˜€

  8. That was a great post girl…really funny.

    • Thanks so much, Mindslam! πŸ™‚

  9. 25 kit10phish

    You’re funny!

    • Thanks very much, Kit…but don’t expect anything great the next time round. It’s all downhill from here… πŸ˜‰

  10. Great blog and definitely will follow your next post.

    btw: I love Big Mac’s..:)

    http://www.etronics101.com

    • Well, who doesn’t love Big Macs?? I mean, they’re delicious and useful.

      Did you know that the secret sauce alone can be used as a salad dressing, fuel for your car, or if in a bit of a pinch, wallpaper paste? Mmm…tasty.

      Thanks so much for dropping by, Wrands! I appreciate it very much! πŸ™‚

      Btw: I say all of that stuff about Big Macs, and yet it still doesn’t deter me enough to stop eating them. Still love ’em. πŸ˜‰

  11. fantastic use of ipso facto. And thank you, Congress, for decreeing that eating a hole pizza counts, ipso facto, as my day’s full vegetable requirement.

    • I’ve always been a fan of “ipso facto”. Like to use it as much as possible…even if it isn’t warranted.

      I’m just waiting for the day that they decide the jelly inside of a doughnut is a fruit. That’ll be a day to celebrate, my friend.

      Thanks for stopping by again, Chris…always appreciated!! πŸ˜‰

  12. Ugh. This doesn’t surprise me either. I wish students had to take an organic farming class and their crop would go to the school to help feed the students.

    Wonder how much influence lobbyists had on designing the pyramid, or whatever it is now.

    • Probably a good idea, Mitchell. I wonder if students even know where vegetables come from…I think they believe that if they don’t have Green Giant written all over them then they’re not vegetables.

      I’m pretty sure that it’s no longer a food pyramid. More like a food blob. Kind of like what we’re all becoming based on their recommendations…

      Thanks for stopping in again, Mitchell! Good to see you again!

  13. “I feel like we need to educate the children of North America into making wise decisions.”
    Why does that need to be a priority in the first place? Why have we slipped so far as edcuators and mentors?
    GREAT POST, YOUNG LADY!

    • Aha! Good point, Hook! It’s ridiculous that we even need to have the idea of “educating” them about food in our consciousness.

      But, apparently, we’ve been educating children that french fries and tater tots are vegetables because they’re made of “potatoes” (<—I'm pretty sure they're not actually potatoes. Probably just bits and pieces of particleboard).

      Thanks for dropping by again, Hook! Always great to have your comments here! πŸ™‚

  14. Loved the crossed out text.. hahaha. Very true though, I think it is extremely important for children and young adults to learn how to make wiser choices when it comes to food.. this situation is getting out of hand.

    Next thing you know, sour apple-flavored jolly ranchers are going to be considered a fruit serving. lol

    Edwin

    • Well, as soon as that happens, I’ll support Congress on the decision… πŸ˜‰

      Thanks for dropping in, Edwin! Always good to see you! πŸ™‚

  15. pizza is absolutely a vegetable!! Just like carbonara in a bread bowl (sidenote: this exists??) washed down with a sugar free red bull will keep you full and focused all day! haha great post πŸ™‚

    • Oh yes, my friend…carbonara breadbowls DO exist. Just go to your local Domino’s…they’ll hook you up.

      …and then your doctor can hook you up to a heart monitor because I’m pretty sure you’ll have heart failure after eating it.

      Thanks so much for stopping in, Breezyk! Much appreciated! πŸ™‚

  16. Looks yummy makes me hungry πŸ™‚

    • Yeah, Big Macs have that effect on people…that’s why I’m trying to convince everyone that they’re actually a vegetable. Then we won’t feel so guilty about eating them.

      I feel like Congress would have my back on this issue…

      Thanks again, JakesPrinter! Your comments are always appreciated! πŸ™‚


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