Hamburgers, Breadbowls, and Other Vegetables…
Last week I read an article that should have shocked me, but it didn’t. It was all about how, according to Congress, frozen pizza is a vegetable and will be served to American students as such. We all know that everyone needs to eat 5-10 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, and Congress has informed American children that they will be receiving at least one serving of vegetables per day if they eat a slice of pizza each day.
People are all up-in-arms about this because they like to claim that frozen pizza is, in fact, not a vegetable. I beg to differ. I mean, there is 2 tbsp of tomato paste slapped on that slice! We all know that tomato paste (“paste” just screams “healthy”) is made from tomatoes (vegetables), so, ipso facto, it is a vegetable.
Ketchup? Heck no. Tomato paste? Couldn’t be more clear.
I feel like we need to educate the children of North America into making wise decisions. For some reason, my generation always seemed to go to school or head off to college with the ideas that true vegetables grow in the ground, that fruit grows on trees, and that dairy products must actually be made solely of dairy. What’s up with that?
Apparently, both Congress and myself share in the desire to see healthy American children, so I would like to share with you all a list of my top 3 favourite healthy foods:
1) Big Macs
(Yeah, you all knew this would be the first one…)
Big Macs have
about 4 shreds of wilted lettuce on them, as well as what I can only assume is 3 heat-lamped pickles. The way I see it, that’s 2 servings of veggies. BAM! I’m almost halfway to my daily vegetable goal.
They also have 2 slabs of
processed cheese stuck somewhere inside of them, which constitutes 2 servings of dairy products (the daily minimum), as well as 2 ground chicken horse boots ummm…I guess beef patties. Then, the whole concoction is thrown together delicately placed inside 3 pieces of over-processed sugar-filled white hamburger buns.
All in all, a
heart attack waiting to happen proper meal.
Also, I’m pretty sure that the “special sauce” counts as 2 glasses of your daily water intake…
2) Starbucks Venti White Chocolate Mocha*
It’s really a shame that Starbucks tends only to market towards
teenagers who know that holding a Starbucks coffee cup will make them look cool adults. I mean, it’s pretty evident that their products are solely aimed at making you diabetic healthy.
The White Chocolate Mocha is full of
fat and empty calories dairy products, like whipped cream, milk, and chocolate. It’s very clear that Starbucks just wants to give you diabetes the best and healthiest option for you to become fully diabetic healthy.
*In order for this one to really be healthy, it’s important for you to ask for an extra helping of whipped cream on top.
3) Chicken Carbonara Breadbowl Pasta
Since bread, cereal, rice and pasta are the basis of healthy eating, I think it’s pretty clear that this dish should be the foundation of your
imminent heart attack diet. There is clearly a large amount of fat grains and fat carbohydrates, so you should feel good about your decision when you opt for this on the 10 easiest ways to cause your own death list menu.
I’m pretty sure that, after reading through this list, all of you students out there have received quite an education as to what is healthy and what is not. Since Congress has approved the notion that frozen pizza is, indeed, a vegetable serving, I have no doubt that these items will soon make the list as well.
If you’re still unsure about these meal choices (although I have no idea why you would be), might I suggest eating something that you know will soon be considered healthy by the USDA: cardboard. You know they will find something healthy in it…like bran. I mean, after all, if it looks like bran, smells like bran, and tastes like bran…
So, now it’s lunchtime for me…I’m heading out to eat a balanced diet of a Whopper Jr., a milkshake, and a nice healthy piece of cardboard. *Sigh*…I love eating healthfully.
I might even throw in some exercise!
Lifting my Whopper Jr. from the table to my mouth and back down again counts, right USDA?
Do you think frozen pizza constitutes as a vegetable?
Would you rather eat frozen pizza or cardboard? Or do you think they’re essentially the same thing?
Do you think the author of this post has lost her mind or is being just incredibly sarcastic? (Not gonna lie…I’m not sure either…)
Filed under: College | 41 Comments
Tags: Congress, food, food pyramid, frozen pizza, hamburgers, health, USDA, vegetables