What An Osombie Actor’s Resume Might Look Like…It’s Just as Appalling as the Film

09Feb12

Have you ever seen someone do something rather embarrassing/horrifying/utterly ridiculous and say to yourself, “Seriously, guy? Did you just do that? Are you a real human being? Because I can’t believe a human being would do something as lame as that….P.S. You’re so lame”.

I’m not going to lie, people…I’ve thought that once or twice (more often than not, it’s in reference to myself). Yesterday, however, someone else took the cake. I was listening to the radio in my car on my way to work when I first heard about this impending disaster of a movie.

I have never, in my entire existence, seen something like what I’m about to show you. Honestly, I can’t….I don’t even…what can I….here. Just watch this. Discussion will follow:

So? Have I just ruined your day/life by showing you that? If so, you must know how the actors now feel.

After watching that for the first time (trust me…I’ve watched it many times now), I feel like reaching out, hugging the actors, taking them away from the horribleness that is Osombie and then punching them in the shoulder blade while telling them to get themselves educated, and to go get a real job (like doing commercials for Yoplait or teaching Tai Chi…something worthwhile like that).

Then I started thinking…if you did a movie like that, would you even put it on your resume? How could you possibly make it sound like what you learnt is relevant to the corporate world?I feel like these are some of the things that these actors are now able to put on their resumes (which they will surely have to keep updated because none of them will ever find work in the film industry ever again….)

• I am able to survive a zombie apocalypse, providing that neither the zombies nor their beards are real
• I have a British accent…sometimes.
• I am able to pretend as though I know how to yield a sword, even though using that sort of weapon in combat has been virtually non-existent since 1876
• I own my own red-eye contact lenses – great for parties and for pretending that I have pinkeye in order to get out of work for a week or so
• I know how to growl in a foreboding way while bearing my false Dracula-like teeth and rotting lips
• I frequently flail my arms (great skills for upper management, I’m told…)
• I created the soundtrack for Osombie. In my basement. With my 8 year old brother. He wrote most of it. He also may have lifted it from every other action movie in existence
• I often take my shirt off, whether there is a reason to or not. I find that it keeps me interested in my work…especially at a desk job
• I kick like a ballerina
• I can pretend that being in Nevada is the same as being in Afghanistan
• I’ve never been to Afghanistan
• Where is Afghanistan?

It’s at times like this that I realise how thankful I am that I am not one of these actors, that I have an education that includes history and excludes zombie survival, that I have a job where fighting with weapons is purely optional, and that I live in a free nation where no one will ever be able to force me to see a film like this.

(Sidenote: I’m going to see this film as soon as it comes out and I’m forcing all of my friends to go see it with me…unless it goes straight to video. Which it probably will.)

When Osombie comes out, will you force your friends to watch it?

What do you think the most ridiculous/offensive thing about this movie is?

Have you ever survived a zombie apocalypse?

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Filed under: Education   |  49 Comments
Tags: actor, apocalypse, Career, Education, humor, jobs, movie, Osombie, resume, zombie