“I Wish My Appendix Would Just Burst So My Trainer Will Leave Me Alone”, and Other Things I Think While at the Gym…
Okay, I’m going to be perfectly honest and transparent here, folks…I would rather eat a Big Mac than work out (of course, most of you already know that). That being said, I still work out
all the time tirelessly on occasion. I put on my best neon-coloured spandex outfit, my trendiest terry-cloth sweatband, and pull up my hair into the highest, tightest ponytail humanly possible and get my body moving*.
(*The last time I worked out, this was the fashion…this is still acceptable workout attire, I assume.)
So, last night, I was talking to one of my friends about working out and, somehow, we started talking about all of the things we think about when we’re at the gym, on the treadmill, or in a zumba class. You see, most people think about work or personal issues and work out the aggression of the situation, or they think about how awesome their quads are (is that what they’re called? Quads? I wouldn’t know because I’m a weakling who doesn’t work out her quads).
Not us. Here’s a little snippet of what our conversation last night sounded like:
Matt: Do you know what you’re going to write about tomorrow?
PCC: Nope. No idea. Can you please give me some ideas, then write the entire post for me, while I receive all of the credit?
Matt: (Completely ignores my last statement) Why don’t you write about things you think about when you’re working out?
PCC: What do you mean? Something like, “Is my body supposed to be able to bend like that” or “At what point is it socially acceptable to punch my trainer in the jugular?”
Matt: Exactly! Or something like, “I wonder how long I have until I have a stroke?”
PCC: “Am I supposed to be able to hear my bones?”
Matt: “Why are the lights dimming?”
PCC: “Why can I feel my heartbeat in my tongue?”
Matt: “Why is everything spinning? And why am I moving in slow-motion? Is this real life?”
PCC: “I wonder just how much sweat my eyeballs have excreted so far…”
Matt: “Is it better to throw up on myself and the machine, or the huge muscled guy next to me?”
PCC: “Is it possible to keep running on the treadmill even though you’re pretty sure you died 9 minutes ago?”
Matt: “If I’m in Heaven, why does it hurt so much?”
PCC: “Is it possible to be stomach sick, have an asthma attack, go blind, and have a heart attack all at the same time? If not, then what’s happening to me right now?”
Matt: “How can my arms be both numb and on fire?”
PCC: “I didn’t realise that my knees could bend in 7 different directions…I assume that’s normal.”
Matt: “I wonder…what exactly is a bicep?”
PCC: “Wait…my thighs aren’t supposed to look like Santa Claus’ stomach?”
Matt: “Exactly how quickly do you have to breathe before your head explodes?”
PCC: “At what point does your blood actually boil? And is there any way to cool it down in 17 seconds or less? If not, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die in 17 seconds.”
Matt: “Why am I hearing dolphins squeaking? Oh wait…that’s just me, hyperventilating.”
PCC: “If I just go back to school and study really hard and become the most educated person in the world, will I be able to find someone who will love me just for my brain and won’t care how my body looks? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that would be less work and effort.”
Matt: “I never knew my lungs tasted like blood and tears.”
PCC: “I’ve just sweat through my shirt and my pants…I hope people know that it’s just sweat.”
At this point, Matt decided that this conversation was too ridiculous to continue and abruptly cut me off, citing the fact that he had to get up in 9 hours as the reason why he was hanging up. Pfft…lame excuse, Matt. I don’t buy it. It is possible to get by with only 9 hours of sleep, even though I do recommend a full 12. I mean, you do have to keep up your strength for the next workout session which will be filled with tears, regret, exhaustion, and probably broken knee caps…and, for me, that’s just the warm-up.
What do you think about when you work out?
Have you ever had a near-death experience while on the treadmill?
Will you judge others who have?
Filed under: Education | 44 Comments
Tags: Education, exhaustion, friends, gym, humor, slow motion, spandex outfit, terry cloth sweatband, treadmill, working out