Woolly Mammoths, Wingsuits, and Flying Dutchmen…High-Five Worthy?

22Mar12

Have you ever wondered why people do the things that they do? I’m not talking about wearing white after Labour Day (which I do), or why they wash the lids of a tuna can before opening it (which I also do); I’m talking about people who do crazy things. Things that they should never have attempted in the first place, and while they are aware of that, they continue to do said things.

Today, I couldn’t help but wonder about a couple of people (3 to be exact), and if they were, indeed, insane. On the one hand, I have mad respect for these guys and for the technological and scientific advances that they’ve made; on the other, I don’t think that I have mad respect for them…I just think they’re mad.

“Who are these people you speak of, PCC”, you ask? Oh, friends…get ready. Herein lies the top 3 crazy people that I either want to high-five or slap upside the head:

1) It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s….a flying Dutchman?

Alright, if this isn’t a hoax and is, in fact, real, this guy has got it going on. He seems to have worked out the mechanics and the physics of flight to the point that he made himself a pair of  human bird wings. He has actually achieved flight. Oh wait…didn’t we already do that? Sorry, guy, but you didn’t need to invent wings for yourself…we already have airplanes, helicopters, hot air balloons, and super cool video games that make you feel like you’re actually flying.*

That being said, I do respect the amount of time and energy you put into your invention, Dutchman, so I’d like to give you a high-five. However, I’m pretty certain I will be unable to actually reach your hand due to your enormous wingspan. Also, I’m afraid that you’d slap me in the face with the tip of your wings for gently mocking you, so an attempt at a high-five will not be made. Still, you’re alright, wing-ed Dutchman…you’re alright.

*I’m secretly wishing that I had invented human bird wings first.

2) Wingsuit + Flying Squirrel-like Acrobatics = Jeb Corliss

Okay, as crazy as I think this guy is, I have to applaud his mad soaring skills and complete lack of respect for human life. I mean, have you ever heard of anyone else that would fly THIS close to trees, mountains, and waterfalls? No. Of course not. And you know why? Because those people aren’t named “Jeb Corliss”.

Jeb is clearly insane, but is so deserving of a high-five that it almost makes me cry. Seriously, this guy is so cool that just Liking his Facebook Page made me feel a little cooler (and, let’s face it, I need all the help I can get in that department). And do you know how I’d high-five him? I’d be sort of  like the guy with the balloons at point 1:36 in the film clip. Only, instead of releasing balloons, I’d be releasing a whole lot of awesome… in atypical high-five fashion.

As a result, I’m pretty sure my arm would be torn off, but it’d still be worth it.

3) Fred Flintstone was onto something…Woolly Mammoth Burgers Would Be Delicious

I love how incredible advances in science and technology has made over the years. What, with robots who can take care of you in your old age, to medications that help you battle the flu, to the invention of the secret sauce on a Big Mac. We live in fascinating days, my friends.

This, however, is ridiculous.

Apparently, Russian and South Korean scientists intend on recreating a Woolly Mammoth from ancient DNA. You know…’cause they can. Yeah, thanks, scientists. I really appreciate you bringing back to life an animal the size of Rhode Island, who could impale me with its giant tusk to such a point that I would no longer be recognisable as a human being. Thanks.

This move forward is definitely slap-upside-the-head worthy. That is, unless we’re able to cut off pieces of mammoth steak from its legs (it won’t even notice) and barbeque them. I’d smother that Woolly Mammoth leg steak with some Big Mac secret sauce, invite some friends over, and have myself a proper BBQ.*

At that point, and only at that point, would it be high-five worthy.

*Is it okay to put “BYOWM” on the invitation? Probably, eh?

There's a reason these things died out, scientists. Why do you have to be such jerks and bring them back to life? Well, probably because you want to try Mammoth steak as well. I know it.

Do you agree with my extremely scientific analysis of each of these advances (i.e. high-five worthy or not)?

What other scientific or technological advances have you recently read about, of which you think I should be aware?

Would you eat a Wooly Mammoth steak if given the opportunity (i.e. Woolly Mammoth BBQ at my house)?

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Tags: BBQ, Big Mac, Education, Flying Dutchman, humor, Jeb Corliss, science, Technology, wingsuit, Woolly Mammoth