I’m a cheater. I’ve done it before and, in about a week and a half, I’m about to do it again. And I don’t feel badly about it. I know I should come clean about what happened last year, especially since I’m about to do it again, so here goes, Canada…
Canada, I love you. I mean, I really love you and I never want to leave you, but sometimes I get a little bored with you. Sure, you’ve got amazing mountains, incredible bodies of water, and a lovely personality, but sometimes, a girl just needs a change. For instance:
- Sometimes you can be a bit moody. I mean, are you hot? Are you cold? Which is it?? For example, today it is about 35C with a humidex of 40C (95F and 104F, respectively), but in a few months, you’ll be somewhere around the -20C (-4F) mark, with a windchill of around -25C (-13F). Really? What am I to do with that? You’re all over the place!
- For the most part, you’re quite polite, but sometimes, sometimes, being in a big city like Toronto brings out the worst in you. I feel like that’s something you need to work on.
- Quite often, you’re far too busy. It’s always go-go-GO with you. Occasionally, I’d like to just relax and enjoy the simpler aspects of life. I’m not sure that you’re able to do that anymore. You’ve changed.
- Sometimes I think you’re a little too young for me. I might need to be with someone a little more mature, who has more life experience.
- You’re a little too organised. I need a little more chaos and drama in my life to keep things interesting.
I think that about sums it up. What’s that, you ask? Why am I choosing Ireland to cheat with?? Are you sure you want to go there? It might sting a little…okay. You and I have been together for a long time, and you deserve to know the truth, I suppose. I did have a liaison with Ireland last year, and I fell in love. Not the kind of love that would make me leave you, but the kind of love that makes me want to go all Bridges of Madison County on you. Here’s why:
- Ireland is stable (at least temperature-wise). It decided, early on, exactly what it wanted to be, and there are no drastic changes in its temperment (temperature?). It varies between 4C and 18C (39F and 64F, respectively), and you always know what you’re going to get: rain. I find that comforting.
- Ireland is the nicest and most polite place that I’ve ever been. It’s always willing to lend a helping hand, regardless of your background. It also has a cool accent.
- Ireland is SO laid back and enjoys the simple life. I mean, when was the last time you just sat back and enjoyed a pint…or 4?
- Ireland has rainbows and leprechauns, and therefore, pots of gold.
- Ireland has universities and colleges that are incredibly really old. Some of them first opened in 1311!
- Ireland is mature and historical. If I had to characterise each of you, I’d say that Ireland would be like the old guy with a pipe in his mouth, a Tom Selleck moustache, and a story to tell (perhaps The Most Interesting Man in the World?). You would be like the 16 year old kid with a lollipop in your mouth, a goatee that had to be filled in with eyeliner, and an anecdote.
- As stable as Ireland is, it still has elements of absolute chaos that surround it. It’s a perfect and delicate balance. And it keeps me interested.
- It’s really green. And that’s my favourite colour.
- Also, it’s just plain stunning. I mean, knock-you-on-your-feet gorgeous…how am I supposed to act like that doesn’t affect me??
So, Canada, I know that this has been pretty tough to hear. I get it. But I just felt like you should know why I’ll be away from you for a couple of weeks…you deserve that. You’ve been good to me and I love you, and I will always come back to you.
I’m just really sorry that the day I land in Ireland will be your birthday…but don’t worry. I’ll bring you back something pretty, k?
*All photos were taken by me**.
** That’s not true. Most of them were taken by my Mom.
Do you think cheating on your country is okay?
Do you think my reasons for cheating on Canada are viable enough to ensure that Canada will accept me back into its loving arms?
What should I bring back from Ireland to ensure that Canada will forgive me?
Filed under: Education, Writing | 75 Comments
Tags: Canada, cheating, Education, Guinness, humor, Ireland, leprechauns, photos, travel, vacation
First of all, I’m sorry for being somewhat absent from the blogging world lately. No excuses. I’m just a terrible, terrible blogger. And I was completely uninspired…till now. And you know what inspired me today?
Well, not just a Post-It….many Post-Its. You see, I have a ton of them. All over my desk. And I love them. But I realise that it makes my desk look fairly cluttered and messy and, you know what? I don’t care. ‘Cause I love those things. I’m currently looking at all of them strewn all over my desk, with all of the nonsensical writing I’ve scribbled all over them, and there is 11 of them.
And that got me to thinking…what else is on my desk that is utterly ridiculous and useless, and yet, completely not toss-in-the-trash worthy? (Yes, I’ve coined that phrase. Don’t be jealous.) And, so friends, I give you the elements of PCC’s desk:
- I have one box of Kleenex that I don’t need. It has been on my desk for the past 2 years and is still not empty. I mean, really…who is going to blow their noses right at their desks?? (Wait…do people do this? Am I the only one who doesn’t?)
- I have two empty coffee mugs. The best part is that I don’t drink coffee. Like, at all. So why are these things on my desk, you ask? Because I drink tea with honey…well, really it’s more like I drink honey with a touch of tea in it. My mugs are well-coated in white honey. I’m sort of like Winnie-the-Pooh. Love the stuff. It’s gross and delicious all at the same time.
- I have three bottles of hand sanitizer. Because, clearly, one isn’t enough.
- I have four black pens that I refuse to take out of the box because I’m afraid someone else will see them and steal them. Black pens are the best. And everyone knows it. That’s why they want to steal them.
- I have five flyers from Staples. I like looking at them and imagining that I’m the chair model girl, just enjoying that swivel chair like no one’s business. I don’t feel like that’s weird.
- I have six file folders on my desk. I don’t plan on doing anything with them – it just makes me appear busy and important to have them there. They’ve been there for 3 months.
- I have seven windowless envelopes. ‘Cause who doesn’t need a bunch of those?
- I have eight pieces of scrap paper strewn about my desk with loads of writing, doodles, and things scratched out all over them – I find this to be a great way to ensure productivity.
- I have nine keys on my keyboard that are completely worn to the point that, if you didn’t know the QWERTY keyboard system, you’d have no idea where the T or the N would be.
- I have 10 large elastic bands wrapped around each other which has created a giant rubber ball. I like to bounce this ball on my desk while I’m thinking – I don’t believe anyone is annoyed by this.
- I have 11 Post-Its stuck on my desk, my computer screen, file folders, and other Post-Its. Some of them have been there for a year or more. I have no intention of removing them.
Part of me wants to take photos of my desk, just to prove to you that I am absolutely telling you the truth, but I’m afraid of what my mother would think. “Your desk is too messy, babygirl…you have no shame”, she’d say. And then I would laugh and say, “Mummy, it’s not such a big deal! You need to relax a little and be a bit messy sometimes.”
And then she would tell me to stop sassing her and would stick a Post-It over my mouth.
Have you ever had a love-affair with office supplies like I have with my Post-Its?
Do you blow your nose right at your desk?
Do you feel like reading this post was a complete waste of time? If so, feel free to express yourself on a Post-It and mail it to me in a windowless envelope…
Filed under: Writing | 59 Comments
Tags: Anchorman, desk, elastic band, humor, messy, office supplies, Post It, Staples, Winnie the Pooh
Okay, so first of all, I really do feel the need to apologise to you all for my absence as of late…I’m so sorry (<— that was heartfelt…could you tell? If not, just imagine me saying it with one tear falling down my cheek with One Republic playing in the background….then you’ll feel it). I haven’t had an opportunity to post, nor have I been able to read all of your posts lately (which, I might add, I’ve really missed doing), but I’m back, baby! Thanks to all of you that said you missed my posts and reminded me that I needed to post again soon….much appreciated!
Alright, enough of the mushy stuff…
I’ve said this a million times before, but just in case someone new is reading this blog for the first time, I’ll mention it again: I work at a college. Since I work at a college, I have access to the thoughts and actions of teenagers/young adults, which is priceless. Now, I don’t know if this post was inspired simply from students or the fact that I’ve been listening to Usher’s Confessions all week at my desk ( I know…so lame), but it got me thinking about all the ways that you know someone is about to break up with you.
You see, there are many things that you kids need to look out for that are clear indications that you’re about to be dumped. Is this a happy topic to talk about? Of course not! But it’s real life…and sort of hilarious, when you think of it.
So, kids, how do you know when someone is about to break up with you? Why, when things like this happen, of course:
1 ) When your boyfriend says he’s going to take the same class as you next semester….and then drops out of school.
2 ) When your girlfriend says, “We need to talk”…and you never hear from her again.
3 ) When your boyfriend starts asking for his stuff back from you: “Hey, can I get that sweater back that I lent you?”
4 ) When, every time his phone rings, he says it’s his sister calling…and he’s an only child.
5 ) When you get an email from your girlfriend saying that she thinks you should start seeing other people…because she already is.
6 ) When your boyfriend changes his relationship status on Facebook to “It’s complicated”.
7 ) When your boyfriend categorises you as an “acquaintance” on Facebook.
8 ) When your boyfriend deletes you as a friend on Facebook….doesn’t even want you to be an acquaintance anymore.
9 ) When you ask your girlfriend what she’s doing this weekend and she says that she wishes you’d “stop planning for the future so much”.
10 ) When your boyfriend tries to set you up with one of his friends. (That’s usually a pretty bad sign…usually.)
11 ) When your boyfriend plays Usher’s song Confessions for you and asks you to listen for the “hidden meaning”…
So, kids, the next time you try to call your boyfriend or girlfriend only to find out that they’ve changed their number without telling you, or when you tell them that you love them and they say, “Thanks. Do you know what I love? Whoppers! Let’s go to Burger King…”, or even when their birthday is 2 weeks away and they tell you that you “don’t need to keep that night free”, you will know what’s coming.
Hopefully, you’ll be able to beat ‘em to the punch and break up with them first! Just make sure that you have Kelly Clarkson’s song Stronger playing in the background…because everyone needs a theme song.
What other “break-up signs” have you witnessed in your lifetime?
Do you have a Break-Up Theme Song? What is it?
Did you find this to be a ridiculously depressing post? Should I delete it immediately?
Filed under: College, Education, School | 56 Comments
Tags: boyfriend, breaking up, College, dating, Education, girlfriend, humor, relationships, Usher
First of all, I must apologise for being slightly absent from the blogosphere lately. Sorry, guys…I’ll post something good this week.
In the meantime, I feel like I need to share this true story with you. If you’ve been following my blog for some time now (thank you, by the way!), then you know that I consider myself to be a nerd and with good reason. But you need to know that there was something that happened this past weekend that just reiterated that fact and I feel I must share with you.
On Sunday night, I went to bed rather early (around 10:30pm) so that I could rest up for the start of a new week. Spring is usually a pretty busy time of year at our college, so I wanted to make sure that I would have a good start on the week. Well, once I was in bed, I flipped on my TV and started watching Futurama. I then noticed that, for some reason, it appeared to be filmed in 3D. “Shoot!”, I thought to myself, “if only I had 3D glasses, this would be SO cool to watch!”
I then remembered that I do, indeed, have 3D glasses. In my purse. In case of emergencies.
I then jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to get them. In the process, I hit my hip on my dresser, stubbed my toe on my door frame, and stumbled down the stairs, my body unable to keep up with the speed that I demanded of it. I raced over to my purse, rummaging through every inch of it until I found them. “Aha!”, I said aloud, and raised the glasses up in the air, triumphantly. “Got ‘em!”I then ran upstairs as fast as humanly possible, literally jumped into my bed, and put on my 3D glasses with a smug look on my face.
I proceeded to watch the rest of the episode. By myself. In my bed. Wearing my emergency 3D glasses.
I’m not sure what’s sadder…the fact that I had 3D glasses for just such an occasion, or the fact that I almost killed myself running down the stairs to get them.
Do you own a pair of emergency 3D glasses?
Do you think that risking your life to retrieve them is worth the effort?
Can you please tell me your own nerd-story and make it worse than mine so I don’t feel so badly?
Filed under: College | 35 Comments
Tags: 3D, 3D glasses, emergency, Futurama, glasses, humor
For those of you who have been reading my stuff for a little while now, you will probably remember my post about my fear of robots and Google. That being said, this week, one of my bosses sent me a link to something that I deemed as, without a doubt, “Man’s Worst Nightmare”.
You see, as a woman, I’m always curious about other people’s relationships…how they function, what they love about each other, what annoys them the most about each other, etc. With all of my surveillance over the years, I’ve found out what women do that annoys men more than anything else, and yet, somehow, this was still created….
Is anyone else seeing this? I mean, here is a man who, after using this piece of technology for 5 minutes, will probably be more annoyed than he has ever been in his life. You see, this grocery cart is basically every man’s worst nightmare…it’s like a high maintenance woman. “How can you possibly make that connection, PCC?”, you ask? Here’s how:
1. The first thing the cart makes him do is give it his plastic card.
2. Cart then over-enthusiastically says, “Let’s go shopping!” (See the 0:17 mark)
3. As soon as cart suggests that they go shopping, it then says, “I’ll follow your lead”.
A bit too submissive.
4. Cart follows him everywhere he goes.
Every. Where. He. Goes.
5. The man wants to have Italian for dinner. Before he can put anything in the cart, he has to “run it by her” and scan each item…just to make sure that it’s okay. When he places a certain kind of pasta in the cart, it
annoyingly gently reminds him that it is not gluten-free.
Cart is now watching what he eats.
6. After cart tells the guy that it’s the wrong pasta, he laughs as though it didn’t bother him, and then admits that maybe he wasn’t “smart enough to pick the right pasta”. Umm…did you hear that? WA-KSH!!!
7. Upon realising that he chose the incorrect pasta, cart then tells him where to go to find the correct kind.
8. Once the man put in the last item, marinara sauce, cart told him that he had everything on his list (i.e. “Don’t buy anything else. You can’t afford it.”)
9. Once the shopping is complete and cart has everything that it needs, it says, “I have calculated your total. You have indicated that I should put this on your account” (i.e. Not mine).
10. Once the man is finished shopping and no longer needs cart around, he says “goodbye”. He is then greeted with the silent treatment.
Okay, okay…maybe I’m being a little too rough on cart. Maybe it has some redeeming qualities. Maybe it brings him breakfast in bed and laughs at all of his jokes…of course, breakfast would still be in the packaging and cart’s laugh would be rather robotic, but I’m sure that’s worth it.
If not, there are plenty of other carts in the sea, right?
Would you ever use a grocery cart like this?
If so, how long do you think you could stand it?
Does this grocery cart remind you of anyone you know? (Please don’t say PCC…)
Filed under: College, Technology | 44 Comments
Tags: Education, grocery cart, high maintenance, high maintenance woman, humor, relationships, Technology, woman
To the guy who sniffed my hair on the elevator this morning,
First of all, stop it.
Secondly, I feel as though you need a lesson in elevator etiquette. I’m sure that you’re guilty of more than one of these (in fact, I know you are seeing as how you violated about 4 of them on the 2 minute ride up this morning), and I think you need to change your behaviour before you permanently become one of these:
Yesterday morning, I was at my college, in the elevator with 7 other people. Three of them got out on the 3rd floor, leaving plenty of room for all of us to shift around. What does the guy in front of me do? He stays planted, right where he was in the beginning of this ride. His backpack was in my face. The heels of his feet were uncomfortably close to my toes. I looked at the girl to my right, she took one look at me, and then shifted to her right to give me some space.
She understood the concept of elevator shifting. The guy, however, did not. Don’t be a non-shifter. They’re the worst.
2. Face-to-Face Standers
Everyone knows that, when you get into an elevator, you’re supposed to walk in, turn around, and then face the doors, right? Wrong. Last week, a guy walked into the elevator, looked me square in the eye, and just stood there, facing me. My back was against the wall of the elevator and there were about 5 other people in it with us. I just stood there, eyebrows raised, eyes shifting around the small space, wondering when this guy was going to turn around and face the doors like he was supposed to do.
There we stood, face-to-face, at, what I believe to be, the most uncomfortable moment in either of our lives. Remember to always face the elevator doors. No matter what. Even if you know the person in the elevator with you…show your back to them and face the doors.
Don’t sniff people’s hair in the elevator. That’s weird. It’s never acceptable to do that.
4. The “Hold-the-Elevator” Guy
No. No, I will not do that. There are several elevators that you may take, sir, and I’ve just waited 5 minutes for this one…you can wait for the next one. This one is full. And you’re 100 meters away. And you’re walking slowly, forcing everyone to wait on you while you saunter on up to the elevator.
No. I will not hold the elevator for you…unless it’s empty. And you’re running towards it. And you don’t boss me around by telling me to do something, like “hold the elevator”.
5. The Singer
This is the person who sings along to their iPod or, worse yet, the elevator music. I can’t hear your iPod, so all I hear is your voice, echoing off the walls of the elevator. Elevator music is terrible (just terrible!), and there is no need to sing along to it.
Come on…you can not sing for at least 2 minutes (says the girl who sings all the time). Don’t ever be The Singer…they get beaten up a lot.
6. The Onion Bagel Eater
Please don’t eat your onion bagel in the elevator. I don’t need to smell onion bagel first thing in the morning.
Also, please breathe with your mouth shut.
7. The Button-Starer
For some reason, people seem to forget their numbers and how to count when they get into an elevator. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in an elevator where a person gets in and then stares at the buttons for about 37 seconds, deciding which one to push. It’s not that hard…I mean, you can count, right? The numbers still go in order once you get into the elevator.
Just push 4. It comes after 3 and before 5. Stop staring at the buttons and choose one, please.
8. The Phone-Talker
There is no need for you to speak so loudly when you’re on your phone. We get it. You’re very important and this phone call could not wait for 3 minutes for when you will actually be in your office. I understand that. All I’m asking is that you don’t speak so loudly. It’s a confined space and the sheer decibel with which you speak has shattered my eardrum.
So, my dear hair-sniffing elevator companion, I hope that you take these tips to heart and change your behaviour. Like, immediately.
If you don’t, the next time we’re in the elevator together, I’ll be forced to listen to my iPod, sing along to music that you can’t hear, and then shatter your eardrum. I feel like that’s only fair.
What do people do/not do in an elevator that drives you crazy?
Have you ever been a Non-Shifter?
Do you eat onion bagels? If so, do you apologise for it every time you meet someone in the elevator?
Filed under: Education | 81 Comments
Tags: close talkers, Education, elevator, elevator doors, etiquette, humor, manners, onion bagels, uncomfortable moment
“I Wish My Appendix Would Just Burst So My Trainer Will Leave Me Alone”, and Other Things I Think While at the Gym…
Okay, I’m going to be perfectly honest and transparent here, folks…I would rather eat a Big Mac than work out (of course, most of you already know that). That being said, I still work out
all the time tirelessly on occasion. I put on my best neon-coloured spandex outfit, my trendiest terry-cloth sweatband, and pull up my hair into the highest, tightest ponytail humanly possible and get my body moving*.
(*The last time I worked out, this was the fashion…this is still acceptable workout attire, I assume.)
So, last night, I was talking to one of my friends about working out and, somehow, we started talking about all of the things we think about when we’re at the gym, on the treadmill, or in a zumba class. You see, most people think about work or personal issues and work out the aggression of the situation, or they think about how awesome their quads are (is that what they’re called? Quads? I wouldn’t know because I’m a weakling who doesn’t work out her quads).
Not us. Here’s a little snippet of what our conversation last night sounded like:
Matt: Do you know what you’re going to write about tomorrow?
PCC: Nope. No idea. Can you please give me some ideas, then write the entire post for me, while I receive all of the credit?
Matt: (Completely ignores my last statement) Why don’t you write about things you think about when you’re working out?
PCC: What do you mean? Something like, “Is my body supposed to be able to bend like that” or “At what point is it socially acceptable to punch my trainer in the jugular?”
Matt: Exactly! Or something like, “I wonder how long I have until I have a stroke?”
PCC: “Am I supposed to be able to hear my bones?”
Matt: “Why are the lights dimming?”
PCC: “Why can I feel my heartbeat in my tongue?”
Matt: “Why is everything spinning? And why am I moving in slow-motion? Is this real life?”
PCC: “I wonder just how much sweat my eyeballs have excreted so far…”
Matt: “Is it better to throw up on myself and the machine, or the huge muscled guy next to me?”
PCC: “Is it possible to keep running on the treadmill even though you’re pretty sure you died 9 minutes ago?”
Matt: “If I’m in Heaven, why does it hurt so much?”
PCC: “Is it possible to be stomach sick, have an asthma attack, go blind, and have a heart attack all at the same time? If not, then what’s happening to me right now?”
Matt: “How can my arms be both numb and on fire?”
PCC: “I didn’t realise that my knees could bend in 7 different directions…I assume that’s normal.”
Matt: “I wonder…what exactly is a bicep?”
PCC: “Wait…my thighs aren’t supposed to look like Santa Claus’ stomach?”
Matt: “Exactly how quickly do you have to breathe before your head explodes?”
PCC: “At what point does your blood actually boil? And is there any way to cool it down in 17 seconds or less? If not, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die in 17 seconds.”
Matt: “Why am I hearing dolphins squeaking? Oh wait…that’s just me, hyperventilating.”
PCC: “If I just go back to school and study really hard and become the most educated person in the world, will I be able to find someone who will love me just for my brain and won’t care how my body looks? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that would be less work and effort.”
Matt: “I never knew my lungs tasted like blood and tears.”
PCC: “I’ve just sweat through my shirt and my pants…I hope people know that it’s just sweat.”
At this point, Matt decided that this conversation was too ridiculous to continue and abruptly cut me off, citing the fact that he had to get up in 9 hours as the reason why he was hanging up. Pfft…lame excuse, Matt. I don’t buy it. It is possible to get by with only 9 hours of sleep, even though I do recommend a full 12. I mean, you do have to keep up your strength for the next workout session which will be filled with tears, regret, exhaustion, and probably broken knee caps…and, for me, that’s just the warm-up.
What do you think about when you work out?
Have you ever had a near-death experience while on the treadmill?
Will you judge others who have?
Filed under: Education | 44 Comments
Tags: Education, exhaustion, friends, gym, humor, slow motion, spandex outfit, terry cloth sweatband, treadmill, working out
Have you ever seen someone do something rather embarrassing/horrifying/utterly ridiculous and say to yourself, “Seriously, guy? Did you just do that? Are you a real human being? Because I can’t believe a human being would do something as lame as that….P.S. You’re so lame”.
I’m not going to lie, people…I’ve thought that once or twice (more often than not, it’s in reference to myself). Yesterday, however, someone else took the cake. I was listening to the radio in my car on my way to work when I first heard about this impending disaster of a movie.
I have never, in my entire existence, seen something like what I’m about to show you. Honestly, I can’t….I don’t even…what can I….here. Just watch this. Discussion will follow:
So? Have I just ruined your day/life by showing you that? If so, you must know how the actors now feel.
After watching that for the first time (trust me…I’ve watched it many times now), I feel like reaching out, hugging the actors, taking them away from the horribleness that is Osombie and then punching them in the shoulder blade while telling them to get themselves educated, and to go get a real job (like doing commercials for Yoplait or teaching Tai Chi…something worthwhile like that).
Then I started thinking…if you did a movie like that, would you even put it on your resume? How could you possibly make it sound like what you learnt is relevant to the corporate world?I feel like these are some of the things that these actors are now able to put on their resumes (which they will surely have to keep updated because none of them will ever find work in the film industry ever again….)
- I am able to survive a zombie apocalypse, providing that neither the zombies nor their beards are real
- I have a British accent…sometimes.
- I am able to pretend as though I know how to yield a sword, even though using that sort of weapon in combat has been virtually non-existent since 1876
- I own my own red-eye contact lenses – great for parties and for pretending that I have pinkeye in order to get out of work for a week or so
- I know how to growl in a foreboding way while bearing my false Dracula-like teeth and rotting lips
- I frequently flail my arms (great skills for upper management, I’m told…)
- I created the soundtrack for Osombie. In my basement. With my 8 year old brother. He wrote most of it. He also may have lifted it from every other action movie in existence
- I often take my shirt off, whether there is a reason to or not. I find that it keeps me interested in my work…especially at a desk job
- I kick like a ballerina
- I can pretend that being in Nevada is the same as being in Afghanistan
- I’ve never been to Afghanistan
- Where is Afghanistan?
It’s at times like this that I realise how thankful I am that I am not one of these actors, that I have an education that includes history and excludes zombie survival, that I have a job where fighting with weapons is purely optional, and that I live in a free nation where no one will ever be able to force me to see a film like this.
(Sidenote: I’m going to see this film as soon as it comes out and I’m forcing all of my friends to go see it with me…unless it goes straight to video. Which it probably will.)
When Osombie comes out, will you force your friends to watch it?
What do you think the most ridiculous/offensive thing about this movie is?
Have you ever survived a zombie apocalypse?
Filed under: Education | 49 Comments
Tags: actor, apocalypse, Career, Education, humor, jobs, movie, Osombie, resume, zombie
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and said to yourself, “Self, although I love you very much, I don’t think I can stand to be with you every day. You see, you tend to do things that annoy me and I’m not sure I can live with that anymore. I think we need to break up”?
I’m not going to lie. I think this is a conversation that I have with myself on a quasi-daily basis. There are things that I do that just annoy myself and I really need to stop, otherwise this relationship that I have with myself is over. Since it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in (or probably ever will be in), I think I should work on these 10 things:
1 ) I have road rage
I’m not talking about getting just a bit irritated at other drivers and muttering something to myself when they cut me off. I’m talking about the kind of rage that simply forces me to lay on the horn for a good 1 minute and 39 seconds straight while I follow that person. It’s not that I’m upset; it’s that I need them to know that I’m upset.
And they need to know it for 1 minute and 39 seconds.
This behaviour is especially ridiculous for someone like me because literally nothing else upsets me in life. Seriously. Nothing. Why is it that when I get into my car, I turn into a completely different person?? I blame it on Toronto traffic. That garbage can make anyone* lose their mind.
*And by “anyone”, I mean just me.
2 ) I sing too often
“Oh, that’s not a bad thing, PCC!”, you may say. Well, I’m pretty sure you won’t be saying the same thing if you go on a 17 hour road trip with me. I will sing every word of every song. And then I practice doing the harmonies. And my drumming abilities on the dashboard.
This is very annoying. Trust me. My brother has told me so several times. He’ll even bring it up in casual conversation just to remind me.
3 ) I don’t think Apple is very cool
I am the furthest possible thing from an Apple Evangelist. In fact, my phone was stolen last week and I made a point not to get an iPhone. Why? Because everyone else has one. I scoff at that. So, I got a phone that most people wouldn’t get (thank you, Nexus) and I’m all smug about it. I’m a phone snob now…which is what bothers me about Apple enthusiasts. I’m a bit of a hypocrite, no?
Basically, it comes down to the fact that I don’t want my phone to look sexier than I do (which isn’t difficult, I might add. Even those huge Zack Morris phones from the early 90′s are sexier than I am).
4 ) I wear loud boots
I know this may not sound like such a big deal, but if you worked in my office or attended my college, it would be a huge deal. My boots have buckles on them (about 6 too many) and the metal from the buckles clinks when I walk. My boss likes to tell me that it sounds as though I’m in a western film and I’m walking around town with spurs on my boots.
It’s very annoying. The fact that I keep wearing these boots is enough to make me want to break up with myself, knowing how much these boots annoy me. It’s like I’m just trying to prove to myself that I can’t control myself and I’ll do whatever I want to do. Stupid boots.
5 ) I’m not a technologically savvy person
I mean, seriously. Who wants to be with someone like that?
6 ) I forget to water the plants far too often
Imagine spending lots of money on fancy plants and then having someone (who is supposed to be in charge of plant care) forget to water them. For several days. Probably more like weeks.
Dead plants aren’t pretty. Why not just water them? Well, because I forget. All the time. And then I assume that, after 3 weeks without water, the plants should be doused in water. I don’t stop until the soil is literally floating in the flowerpot. I mean, who drowns plants??
Answer: I do.
7 ) I use entirely too much hand sanitizer
Who wants to be with someone who smells like rubbing alcohol? And then wipes it on her keyboard and mouse on a weekly basis? Even though no one else uses her computer but herself?
8 ) I’m clumsy
Clumsy people are not cool. They run into walls, desks, tables, and fall down stairs on a regular basis. You constantly have to be worried about them and you must prepare for the inevitable worst to happen at any given moment. It’s exhausting.
9 ) What’s with my laugh?
Sometimes, I laugh way too loudly and, occasionally, it is very high-pitched. I’m not sure I can handle that anymore. Something’s got to change.
10 ) I’m breaking up with myself via my blog
Who does that?? If breaking up with someone via texting is bad, this is so much worse! I’m airing all of my dirty laundry about myself in a public forum. So annoying. And, unforgivable.
So, Self, we’ve had a good run, but you just annoy me way too much for this relationship to actually work out. I just can’t take this stuff anymore. If you think you want to fix some of these issues, perhaps we’ll have a chance to recover from the horribleness that is you, but if not, I’m afraid it’ll be over.
If that’s the case, do you have any friends you can set me up with?
What traits about yourself annoy you the most?
Do you think that Apple is really as amazing as they think they are?
Do you think I should give myself a second chance to work things out?
Filed under: Education, Technology, Writing | 96 Comments
Tags: breaking up, friends, humor, relationships, road rage, road trip, Technology, toronto traffic, william hung, Zack Morris